


Perspectives

by Jaye_Voy



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 07:34:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6508789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaye_Voy/pseuds/Jaye_Voy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all depends upon your point of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The first section is set at the end of "Unforgettable"; the others occur some time after "Endgame" and mention events from "Star Trek: Nemesis".  
> Originally written in 2004. Although there are some tweaks, the story's contents (and its flaws) are mostly intact.  
> Star Trek and all related characters and concepts are the property of Paramount. No infringement is intended or profit made. This is NC-17 for adult themes, strong language, and sexual situations.

PART ONE

"It really is just like Tom's vid."

The words---despite the softening of B'Elanna's usual crisp delivery in deference to the darkened mess hall and the lateness of the hour---jerked Kathryn's head up, startling her from the muddle of her thoughts.

And her attention from the sheaf of papers in her hand. Kathryn stood straighter, tensing as the reflection in the viewport showed B'Elanna's attention drifting to the sheets once again, dark eyes full of speculation. Kathryn took a moment to check her own expression, cool and composed, then turned to face B'Elanna and asked, "What do you mean?"

"Some '20th-century masterpiece'---you know Tom." The fond smile on B'Elanna's face belied her disparaging tone. "I think it was called 'Roshamon' or something like that. You kept seeing the same events over and over from different characters' points of view..." 

Her eyes sought Kathryn's. "I bet the stories about Kellin are a lot like that."

Kellin. The name sounded so soft, so nonthreatening. Admittedly, a bit like the description of the Remoran woman gracing the pages in Kathryn's grip.

At least, as much as Kathryn could discern through the bitterness edging each word. Even the handwriting seemed sharper than she remembered, the tips of ls and ds pointed like knives.

But then, it had been a long time since she'd taken pen to paper. Kathryn usually made a conscious effort to avoid the intimacy of it. The way the curves and angles and loops of flowing script revealed so much more than a computer log. Voyager's flat type hid so many things, once you got the phrasing just right.

Deciding a change of subject was in order, Kathryn asked, "What brings you here this time of night?" She raised an eyebrow. "Surely not a raid on Neelix's leftovers."

That got the expected chuckle from B'Elanna, but then her expression sobered as she glanced around. "No...I don't know how I ended up here, actually." 

Her hand swept the air in an aimless gesture. "Earlier tonight Tom and I found these...reports, I guess...we had written about a woman named Kellin. I don't know how long we spent dissecting them. Tom hit the sack about an hour ago. I was just walking around, thinking about Chakotay." 

A snort accompanied B'Elanna's rueful glance and another swift shrug. "He's had the worst luck when it comes to love. First he gets involved with a woman who betrays him in just about every way possible. Then he falls for someone who only wants to be friends."

She moved away, to lean against the viewport. "And now, he finally gives his heart to a woman who actually wants it, wants him..." The lines around her mouth deepened as she frowned. "And he loses her so completely he doesn't even get to keep the memories of their time together."

B'Elanna made a frustrated sound. "I wish..." Her brows drew together, Klingon anger masking human helplessness. "It just isn't fair."

"No, it isn't." Kathryn well knew that. Nothing about life in the Delta was fair. You made the choices you thought you could live with, and hoped you were right.

And that Fate or Luck or whatever power may exist that tangled the threads of human lives didn't snarl your carefully laid plans.

Kathryn glanced at the strange tale she had written. She was curious to hear B'Elanna's impressions of their temporary visitor, but didn't ask.

She wasn't willing to share her own in exchange.

B'Elanna's voice broke the silence that had fallen between them. "It's funny how different Tom's version is from mine." She shook her head slowly, slackened features matching her incredulous tone. "*He* thought that you were jealous of Kellin."

Unexpected, that Tom would see the situation more clearly than B'Elanna. And yet, by her own written account, Kathryn had surprised herself with the dark emotions the discovery of Chakotay's romance had sparked.

Funny how you never miss something until it's lost. Or taken from you.

The rawness of the words had stunned her. She had been...what? Hurt? Furious? Jealous? that Chakotay had fallen in love with Kellin. Twice, if the alien was to be believed. It hadn't been like Chakotay's encounter with Riley Frazer, a one-time thing partly born of Borg assimilation.

No, his love for Kellin had been real. And painful to see.

Because all that warmth and passion and tenderness could have been hers.

Kathryn wrenched her thoughts away from what-might-have-beens as B'Elanna's continued musings caught her attention.

"I mean, Tom just kept going on and on about it, waving his papers around and rambling about resurrected betting pools." B'Elanna snorted. "It took me a while to convince him how ridiculous his theory was."

"Why ridiculous?" Kathryn couldn't help the defensive tone. So what if this morning possessive thoughts about Chakotay hadn't entered her mind? They did yesterday, apparently---and maybe to some degree they were back again now. Even though Kathryn was only reading about events she no longer had a real stake in, the blithe dismissal rankled.

B'Elanna's expression was almost comical in its goggle-eyed disbelief. "You've got to be kidding me." 

A search of Kathryn's face apparently provided further evidence, because B'Elanna turned away, eyes unfocused as she processed this new bit of information. "You have *got* to be kidding me."

But then it was Kathryn's turn to stare in shock, as she was suddenly confronted by a snarling half-Klingon. "What the hell do you think you're playing at?"

"*Excuse me*?" Kathryn drew herself up to her full height, glaring at her insubordinate subordinate. In truth, she was caught off-guard by B'Elanna's reaction. She would have expected B'Elanna to be thrilled at the suggestion that Kathryn wasn't as indifferent to Chakotay as she appeared.

"Two years. It took Chakotay *two years* to get over you---and now you're telling me you have feelings for him?" B'Elanna's belligerent tone and flashing eyes reminded Kathryn that it wasn't too long ago that B'Elanna had to be physically restrained from attacking people.

"I didn't say that, I simply asked why it was a ridiculous idea that I would," Kathryn retorted, her own temper sparking. 

"I don't have to justify myself to you or anyone, B'Elanna, but when someone---" She abruptly discarded her original thought and went with, "If someone leads you to believe they care for you, when they later pursue someone else it's natural to feel a bit betrayed."

B'Elanna actually rocked back on her heels, shaking her head in small jerks as if she were still denying what she'd heard. The anger had disappeared, but Kathryn couldn't tell what emotion had taken its place. B'Elanna seemed more sober, more subdued, than Kathryn had ever seen her. B'Elanna's voice was equally quiet as she replied, "You have no more right to feel betrayed by Chakotay than Chakotay does to feel betrayed by me."

"What?" That didn't make any sense. As far as she knew, B'Elanna and Chakotay had never been romantically involved.

B'Elanna took the few steps needed to slump into a chair. She looked anywhere but at Kathryn as she admitted, "I was in love with Chakotay for years."

Kathryn froze. She had never suspected B'Elanna---no, that wasn't true. She had seen flashes occasionally, hints of smoke and heat in B'Elanna's gaze when she looked at her fellow Maquis.

There was nothing to say, so she kept silent.

B'Elanna looked directly at her now. "But I never told him. Seska kept him busy for a bit." 

A cynical twist of lips accompanied the memory before she continued. "And after Chakotay ended it, well, let's just say the Mystic Warrior never felt a need to confess an overwhelming passion for me." 

A pause. "And I never had the courage to say anything to him."

She shrugged. "Eventually I figured out that all those happily-ever-after fantasies don't mean anything when you're dreaming them by yourself. So I let him go, moved on, and found Tom: Someone I love, who loves me too."

Suddenly B'Elanna gave a weary sigh. "But according to you, I should still be pining after Chakotay, waiting and hoping that someday he'll love me back. No matter how pathetic or unrealistic it seems, I should still be holding out for that one true love, feeding my hope on the occasional gesture of affection and friendship."

The protest was automatic. "It's not the same---" 

"How is it any different?" B'Elanna retorted, leaning forward, elbows resting on her knees, gaze both direct and demanding.

Kathryn's brows drew together. "Chakotay promised me..."

"I know exactly what he promised you." B'Elanna stood and walked to the viewport to face Kathryn once more. "He offered his support, his friendship, and yes, indirectly, his love." 

Her fists clenched as her voice rose. "But so what if he did? You didn't want it."

"That's not true." The admission was wrenched from a place in Kathryn's soul that she never visited. It was too painful a reminder of the choices she'd made---and had to live with.

Funny how much it hurt when buried things were yanked into the harsh glare of reality.

B'Elanna cut off Kathryn's protest. "He put himself on the line and all you did was take his hand---you never said a word in return. Not when you were down on that planet together. And not when you came back to Voyager. Ever." 

She ended softly, "You broke his heart."

Kathryn pressed back against the viewport. Wanting the support, the coolness of the transparent material reaching through to her scalp to make her shiver. "I didn't know. He just seemed to...accept the way things had to be." 

She sighed. "I didn't know."

"Well, he certainly wouldn't have said anything. He thought his love for you was an embarrassment, best forgotten." B'Elanna moved away, one hand rubbing her forehead. "I'm not going to ask if you had---or have---feelings for Chakotay."

Kathryn didn't know whether to be filled with relief or despair. She sensed that at this moment she might have yielded to B'Elanna's demands, let herself be forced to an admission that would take her far away from the path she'd chosen to walk. Alone.

But B'Elanna didn't realize the opportunity---the power she held in that instant. She simply turned and continued pacing. "Because if you never told him, what's the difference? And what's he supposed to do? Wait until you *do* love him---or you're willing to admit how you feel and give Chakotay a choice in what to do about it?"

B'Elanna's voice dropped. "People who break up aren't expected to keep their vows of love. Even widowers are free again after a year." 

She stopped and faced Kathryn, her hands spread. "How long did you expect Chakotay to pay homage to a relationship that never was?"

Forever.

The word trembled on Kathryn's lips, no matter how ridiculous, how wrong. The feelings behind it---love, lust, passion, need, possession, jealousy, betrayal, regret---made her gasp. She almost sank to her knees, bowed under the onslaught of emotion.

Instead she locked her legs, her spine, her jaw, turning away to face the stars that ruled her destiny. Her decision had been made long ago. But, oh, the price of that choice. Of her silence. The pain Chakotay had carried for the past two years. The anguish that had apparently driven Kathryn to react so harshly to the knowledge that Chakotay had finally given up hope. And the horrible sense of inevitability, of loss, now rising to choke her breath.

She desperately wished for the ignorance of this morning. When she knew nothing. When she could still pretend that she felt nothing, wanted nothing, desired nothing, regretted nothing. She wished she'd never read the story of Kellin. That she'd never written it. "I don't know."

Something must have leaked past her emotional control, because B'Elanna moved to stand behind Kathryn. This time B'Elanna's reflection revealed a glitter of tears. "We've lost so much on this journey," B'Elanna murmured. "The only home, the only life we have is here aboard Voyager."

Kathryn felt a tentative touch on her shoulder, but refused to turn around. She didn't answer.

B'Elanna looked at her in the viewport, her expression both sad and sorry. "When I heard what happened to the Maquis...it never really hit me before how little time we have. How fragile we all are. Here one second and gone the next. Gone forever. It may be one of Tom's clichés, but we really don't have a moment to waste." 

She paused. "I think Chakotay deserves the chance to share his life with someone he loves. I think you do too. But it's your choice."

As B'Elanna moved away, Kathryn thought she heard a whispered, "It always was."

B'Elanna paused at the doorway to the mess hall. "Do you know what I wrote about Kellin? That she made him happy. For the first time in years, Chakotay was happy." 

She turned back. "If you decide not to say anything, please understand: Chakotay *will* find someone else. And he'll love her with everything that's in him---and without regrets."

Kathryn watched the light from the hall narrow and disappear from the viewport as the panel closed, leaving her alone with the stars.

Hours later, she recycled the pages.

************************************************************  
************************************************************

B'Elanna wasn't a particularly good prophet. Her prediction did come to pass, but not for years.

And after more encounters with Species 8472 and the Borg, after the Equinox and the Hirogen, after Sullivan and Jaffen and Teero---or maybe just after the passage of so much time---Kathryn could sincerely offer her best wishes when Chakotay became involved with Seven.

The emotions that should, would have fueled jealousy had burnt down to ashes long since, as dreams deferred became dreams discarded.

No wonder she greeted the admiral's revelation of marriage between the ex-Maquis and the former Borg with such calm.

On some levels, the union made sense. Despite his renowned dislike of "technobabble", Chakotay was well-versed in the sciences as well as the arts. And he was more mature, more sophisticated than most of the other men Seven had to choose from.

He was fiercely loyal and protective, passionate and compassionate. And he and Seven shared the same bone-dry sense of humor.

Despite the fact that they'd tried to destroy each other at first meeting, by the time Voyager returned to the Alpha Quadrant, Chakotay and Seven had become at ease in each other's company. They shared glances that spoke of private jokes. Small touches---hands brushing, an elbow lightly grasped or a shoulder squeezed---hinted at connection not yet deepened into intimacy.

But the possibility was there. The path laid out before them, to be traversed at leisure. Enjoyed. Savoring each step that brought them closer to a true joining.

And Chakotay was happy again.

He'd been content enough in the years between Kellin and Seven. At least, Kathryn believed so. Her friendship with Chakotay had suffered somewhat in the interim, so she wasn't as privy to his thoughts as she had once been.

In truth, at some dark point in their journey she'd stopped listening to Chakotay. So he'd stopped talking of personal matters. And they both had let the distance stand between them unbridged, the silence unbreached.

She'd spent too many years thinking of herself as alone. Solely responsible for every decision and action---and the consequences. In the end, Kathryn had succumbed to the isolation of the ready room and the captain's chair. Some days she hadn't even recognized herself.

And yet other times, when everything clicked and Voyager and the crew proved their mettle once again, Kathryn had been proud to be the gallant ship's captain. Felt that she was in the one place, at the one time in her life, that she would come closest to fulfilling her potential. As in the cliché, to be all that she could be.

A contradiction, true. But then, many things in life were.

Or perhaps a double-edged sword would be a better analogy. For here she was now, a Starfleet admiral, the culmination of her career ambitions. But the thrill of achievement had soon enough dissipated into dissatisfaction with her new life. She'd gone from absolute power over her destiny to once more being just a link in the chain of command. And yes, as an admiral she didn't have *that* many superiors. But when you've been a maverick captain for seven years, taking orders again takes some getting used to.

But at least she and Chakotay were talking once more. They had spent many hours together during the debriefings, and the catharsis of rehashing their journey had mended the rift in their friendship.

In any case, Kathryn fully expected events to play out as they did in the other admiral's timeline---without the grief caused by Seven's premature death.

So she was understandably shocked when Seven herself shattered that notion, almost seven months after their return. Although the fact that Seven had arrived at Kathryn's office wearing a Starfleet uniform and lieutenant's pips should have given her a clue.

"I would like to discuss a personal matter," Seven said with less than her usual sang froid as she accepted a seat on the small sofa.

Kathryn couldn't help staring as she settled down across from her former protégé. "Of course, but I don't understand. When did you join Starfleet?"

"It...I preferred to keep my actions a secret until I successfully completed the testing and training the Academy board arranged to allow me to receive a commission without following the usual course of study." Seven gave a wry smile. "As much as I enjoy his company, I found the thought of taking classes with Icheb...uncomfortable."

"I'm pretty sure the other cadets should be grateful not to have you there as well, messing up the grade curve," Kathryn agreed before shifting on her seat. "But what is it you need to talk to me about? Did you want me to speak to someone about your duty assignments? Has Chakotay changed his mind and accepted a ship?"

"No." Seven glanced away a moment, then quietly continued, "Chakotay is debating whether he wishes to stay on as an Academy instructor---or leave Starfleet entirely."

Kathryn wasn't all that surprised to hear her former first officer was still thinking of shedding the uniform for good. She'd half-expected Chakotay to resign the second he'd confirmed that none of his old crew would face charges. Instead he'd accepted a promotion to captain and agreed to temporarily rejoin the Academy faculty. He taught tactics and diplomacy, as well as offering lectures on first contacts and Delta Quadrant cultures. "So, I'm guessing your first posting isn't on Earth?"

"That's right. I've been asked to head the astrometrics department on a deep-space research vessel." Seven leaned forward, excitement lending a sparkle to her eyes and animation to her features. "Now that the Federation has begun to recover from the war with the Dominion, Starfleet is once more using ships for exploration. The Copernicus will be studying spatial phenomena and mapping the Delta quadrant, to eventually remove the gap between knowledge of the Alpha Quadrant and the point in the Delta Quadrant where the admiral interrupted our journey."

The Copernicus had state-of-the-art labs, and the ship had been modified to incorporate Voyager's technological innovations since they'd started sending specs through the Midas Array. There was even a modified transwarp drive and a replica of the containment field they'd come up with to deal with Omega particles. Kathryn guessed the Federation was finally ready to tackle the powerful---and dangerous---energy source once more. She knew Seven was eager to get another chance at them as well.

Kathryn remembered reading the reports on the mission. It was a plum assignment, one she might have coveted for herself years ago. But now...?

She set aside that question to focus on Seven once more, another remembered bit of information surfacing. "I thought that was a five-year mission---and strictly Starfleet personnel."

"I..." Seven frowned, studying her hands. "Yes, that's right." 

She suddenly stood, startling Kathryn. Seven paced the office, her long strides eating up the space.

The uncharacteristic agitation drew Kathryn to her own feet and to Seven's side. She laid a hand on Seven's shoulder, stopping their motion, her voice soft with understanding. "And you don't know whether to accept or not."

"Yes." The word seemed wrenched from Seven. She slid from under Kathryn's grip, turning to face her. "Earth has been..." 

She stopped, brow wrinkling, then began again. "I'm not unhappy here, but I've come to understand that adapting to an environment isn't the same as thriving in it."

Seven moved toward the window, looking out over the manicured grounds. "I've been in space all my life, but I never realized how much the stars...call to me...until I was no longer among them."

Her lips curved in that almost-smile she sometimes had. "And I've discovered that not all jobs are created equal. On Voyager, there were always new challenges, new discoveries...here, everything falls into a routine." 

Seven sobered. "And I feel too much like the drone I was in the collective."

Kathryn sighed. She knew they had yet to reach the heart of the matter. But inside she ached with empathy, recognizing the dilemma Seven found herself in.

And the choice she was facing.

She asked softly, "And Chakotay doesn't want to go with you?"

"I haven't asked him," Seven admitted, her head dipping slightly. "When he agreed to keep his commission, he made it quite clear to Starfleet that he was grounded for good. He still has...unresolved feelings about serving the organization that abandoned his people. How can I ask him to commit to five more years of space exploration that no longer satisfies him aboard a vessel he has no desire to captain?"

"Because he loves you." Kathryn spread her hands. "And he might consider that love worth the sacrifice."

"But I don't know if I want him to make that sacrifice." Seven lifted her head, confusion clear in her eyes. In all the years they'd known each other, Kathryn had never seen Seven so vulnerable. "I love Chakotay, but..." 

Seven looked out the window once more. "But I feel...restless. I don't know if I truly understand myself."

She glanced back. "I remember what I felt for Axum, before he was lost to me. And I am uncertain whether that was love, or what I feel for Chakotay. Or if I haven't really experienced that emotion yet. And I don't know how to react to these thoughts, but they won't leave me alone."

Her mouth thinned in self-recrimination. "I thought I had made peace with my choices already, when the admiral arrived on Voyager. I never thought I would question my feelings this way. How could I not be happy with Chakotay? He has always accepted me for who I am, he makes me feel...more than anyone I've ever met since Axum. And yet I find myself seeking..."

Seven's eyes unfocused. "I don't know what, but something more, or different. Or maybe I want the chance to discover what someone else might make me feel."

She walked over and sank onto the sofa again. "I cannot seem to decide upon a course of action. I feel...paralyzed."

Kathryn returned to her seat, laying a hand on Seven's shoulder. "I don't know what to tell you, Seven. Maybe on some level you believe that you and Chakotay aren't truly right for each other. Or maybe this is just some kind of knee-jerk reaction, a defensive instinct because he's gotten too close and you're afraid of being so vulnerable."

She gave a small squeeze, then put space between them, holding Seven's gaze. "You have some serious questions to answer for yourself: Do you go on the Copernicus or stay on Earth? Do you ask Chakotay to accompany you, or break it off? Are your doubts so great they're worth breaking Chakotay's heart---and maybe your own if you make the wrong decision?"

Kathryn sighed. "No matter what choices you make, you'll have regrets. You just have to pick the path you think is the right one for you, the consequences you can live with."

Seven stared back. "What would you do?"

Kathryn's mind blanked. She didn't know what to say. Her choices had been made during desperate times, in desperate circumstances. In Seven's situation, what would she do?

Finally, she answered, "Honestly, I'm not sure." 

She reached out to lightly grip Seven's hands. "But what I do know, is that you have to talk to Chakotay, and give him the chance to make his own choices. But realize that if you go alone, there's a good chance he won't wait for you."   
A shrug was Kathryn's summation. "I'm sorry I can't be more help."

"No, I am aware that I must make my own decisions. But this conversation has been helpful." Seven's stood, and Kathryn was relieved that Seven's composure seemed to have returned. "Thank you."

"Of course, Seven. Please, contact me if you need to talk some more." Kathryn also came to her feet, and they headed to the door. "Good luck, and take care."

Seven nodded, and left.

Kathryn stayed by the door a moment, wishing the best for her two friends. Hoping they both were able to deal with the uncertain days ahead.

Funny how strange the turns life could take.

************************************************************  
************************************************************

The Copernicus shipped out three weeks later.

Seven was aboard. Chakotay wasn't.

Kathryn knew the decision had cost the younger woman. When Seven came to say good-bye, she admitted that she wasn't sure it was the right decision, but it was the only choice she could make.

Only time would determine the consequences.

Kathryn arrived at Chakotay's cottage a few hours after the Copernicus departed the solar system. She walked up the path, wondering if Seven had left anything behind. The lovers had maintained separate residences, so the only likely items were clothing or toiletries, or the odd knickknack.

She wondered if that made the break-up easier, or harder.

Stepping up to the door Kathryn rang the chime, hoping that Chakotay was actually home. He wasn't answering his comm, so no one knew if he was just ignoring them, or if he'd gone off somewhere.

Kathryn had just finished knocking when a voice sent her jumping. "I was expecting B'Elanna," Chakotay commented dryly behind her.

She whirled to see him a few meters away, on the walkway that led behind the house. He was dressed in casual clothes and pulling off dirt-spattered gardening gloves. "Miral isn't feeling well," she explained with a shrug.

"Ah," was all he replied. Then he turned, tossing over his shoulder, "Come on back, I have to take a break anyway."

Kathryn followed silently. She had talked to Chakotay a couple of times in the last few weeks, just checking in. He'd carefully *not* mentioned Seven, what was going on between the lovers, or how he felt about things.

And right now she couldn't read anything beyond his wry smile of greeting.

When they reached the backyard Kathryn automatically relaxed, sighing in pleasure. In just six months Chakotay had turned the garden into a haven, lush with blossoms and greenery, the air filled with their scents.

The first time she'd archly complimented him on his green thumb he'd sheepishly admitted that on New Earth, he'd pretended to know little of gardening in hopes she would take charge. It was the only way he could think of to get her outdoors on a regular basis. And the opportune time had never come to reveal the lie.

Chakotay waved her over to the table and chairs set on flagstones near the back door. The chairs were set parallel on either side of the table to face the garden. There were two glasses and a pitcher of iced tea, condensation already beading and dripping lazily along the curved surface. He settled into one of the chairs, then leaned an arm on the table as he used the other to pour the drinks. "You're lucky. B'Elanna and I used to have this hideous Klingon beer during bitch sessions, but she's still being really careful since she's nursing Miral."

Kathryn sipped the tea, savoring the cool, sharp tinge of mint lacing the brew. "And just how often do you two get together?"

Chakotay flashed a quick grin. "Often enough that Tom has a couple of anniversaries under his belt and no battle scars."

Kathryn set aside her glass and twisted to lean her elbows on the table. "And was this going to be your first session about Seven?"

Chakotay's smile faded as Kathryn caught a flash of some darker emotion in his eyes. But he simply said lightly, "Did B'Elanna brief you before you came? You seem to have adopted her cut-to-the-chase style."

"No, no plots, no conspiracies, Chakotay." She searched his face. "I'm just concerned about you. I know today had to be hard for both of you."

He shrugged, dropping his eyes. "We actually broke up two weeks ago. A kind of 'trial separation' to see if either of us would change our minds. We decided not to tell anyone until we were sure of what we were going to do." 

When he looked up, his eyes had softened in bittersweet reminiscence. " A nice symmetry with the start of our relationship, I guess."

Kathryn rested her chin in one palm. "What happened, Chakotay?"

Chakotay shrugged. "One day we woke up to a very different universe." 

He turned to face the garden. "On Voyager, I figured this was it. Marriage, everything. We would be together for the long haul. And maybe if we were still in the Delta Quadrant, it would have worked out that way."

Chakotay glanced at her. "Things were simpler there. Fewer options. But that life was gone in the blink of an eye. One moment Seven and I were planning the next thirty years aboard Voyager, the next we were orbiting Earth courtesy of Admiral Janeway."

He paused. "And the choices got harder as life got more complicated. Seven wasn't so confident about the future, and she was never really happy planetside. And I couldn't picture myself back in space. My sister and cousin are here, most of my friends..." 

His sigh seemed to come from his very soul. "There just didn't seem to be any middle ground for us to find common ground."

Kathryn's brows drew together. "Honestly, Chakotay, I figured you'd take the captain's chair on the Copernicus. I know the admiralty would have been thrilled to approve the assignment."

"I thought about it," Chakotay admitted. "But I couldn't. It didn't seem fair to the ship or the crew. They deserve a captain who truly wants to be there."

"And there weren't any other postings that could have been a compromise?" Kathryn watched Chakotay's profile as he turned away again, tilting his head back to swallow more tea.

He put the glass down with a shrug. "I don't think so. You should have seen Seven's face when she got the offer...it was everything she was hoping for. There was nothing on any of the other ships, Starfleet or not, that came close. And obviously she wasn't interested in any of the grounded research positions."

He lowered his eyes, one finger stroking through the condensation on his glass, the drops gathering and sliding, leaving long streaks. "Besides, I don't think Seven really wanted me there."

His voice was so soft Kathryn could barely hear him. "She never actually came out and said it, but I think she had some doubts about us. Maybe because things were so different off the ship, or maybe she didn't like the thought of settling down so soon, when she had so many new opportunities. Or some mix of factors too tangled to express."

Chakotay smiled, but without mirth. "If this posting hadn't come up, I'm not sure how long it would have taken me to realize something was wrong. Seven broke up with me once aboard Voyager because she didn't want to hurt me. I think she might have stayed with me for the same reason. The wrong one."

Kathryn reached across the table, laying a gentle hand on his. "How are you, Chakotay, honestly?"

"I miss her." He looked up. For a moment the pain in the dark eyes was unveiled, wrenching a gasp from Kathryn. 

But then his lids closed, and Chakotay's expression betrayed a hint of ruefulness, of resignation. "But not enough to hold her back."

"You love her enough to let her go." Kathryn squeezed the fingers under hers, offering comfort that she knew wouldn't ease the ache of loss. "Are you going to be OK?"

"In time." He sighed and slid his hand away to lift his glass once more. "If nothing else, the Delta Quadrant taught me one thing: Broken hearts do mend."


	2. Chapter 2

PART TWO (CONCLUSION)

Kathryn scooted into the seat in front of the Midas Array II commscreen. She was running late. It was mid-morning on the first anniversary of Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant, and of course the ship's former captain was in high demand.

Starfleet had "encouraged" her to make appearances on quite a few of the media outlets, to chat up the glamour and adventure of the journey. Despite the subtle rebukes she knew she would be getting from her fellow admirals, Kathryn had preferred not to sugarcoat things, giving as realistic a portrait of life in the Delta as she could.

There had also been ceremonies scheduled---the only one of which she truly wanted to attend was this afternoon's memorial for the fallen members of the crew.

All the events in the preceding days were overblown examples of Starfleet pomp and circumstance that she wished she'd been able to avoid.

Like some of the others managed to.

Not that she could blame B'Elanna, Tom, and Chakotay. The PR folks had focused on building the legend of Kathryn Janeway from the moment Voyager charged through the wreckage of that last Borg sphere. The others didn't resent her for the overwhelming attention, but they also didn't like hanging around on the fringes of the spotlights.

She probably wouldn't see those three until the memorial, and the gala tomorrow that crewmembers still in Starfleet were "reminded" to attend.

The only people who were getting out of it were out of range. For the senior staff that meant Harry, off somewhere on the Enterprise, and Seven, on the Copernicus.

Kathryn had talked to Harry last week. She'd been thrilled for her former Ops officer when he'd gotten a long-overdue promotion to full lieutenant and a posting aboard the fleet flagship.

He seemed happy, despite missing his Voyager family. But they all kept in regular contact, and Harry was planning to spend a month on Earth soon.

Seven was not so easy to reach, but the Voyager folks rotated through chats with her via the second Midas Array every two weeks.

Kathryn was glad she'd be able to see Seven on the anniversary, since Seven as much as anyone had helped them survive to see home. She also wanted to check in with her. Two and a half months ago, the last time Kathryn's turn had come up, Seven had barely touched on personal matters, saying only that it was a "difficult transition".

She wasn't surprised. Chakotay had been having his own problems adjusting, but then he had his family and friends nearby for support. B'Elanna for one had been a great help.

Chakotay and B'Elanna had finally formalized their relationship by adopting each other as brother and sister. Chakotay had also been named one of Miral's guardians. Of course, the fact that B'Elanna often played "the uncle card" for baby-sitting services was just coincidence.

More surprising was the fact that Chakotay and Tom were now far better friends than they'd ever been in the Delta. They'd always had some things in common---B'Elanna, the 20th century, piloting---but their bond had become much deeper on Earth. B'Elanna had also been behind that stroke of brilliance by suggesting Chakotay help get Tom out of his funk over Harry's departure.

Both men had changed a great deal since their first clash on Voyager's bridge. Chakotay had mellowed and Tom had matured, and now the two often whiled away a few hours on "guy stuff" when B'Elanna wanted a break from marital bliss.

In fact, Chakotay had appropriated Tom for the last few days to check out Chakotay's pet project. Kathryn bet it had something to do with piloting. Tom didn't get to fly all that often anymore. Instead of staying in Starfleet as Kathryn would have predicted, Tom had become B'Elanna's partner in a ship-design firm. She handled the engines, he took care of the aerodynamics. Their success wasn't all that surprising, considering how long they'd been collaborating.

Tom still knew better than to push B'Elanna too far past the "p'tahq" stage, though. Fortunately for the state of his hide.

B'Elanna had settled into planetside life with apparent ease. She'd become more cautious since Miral's birth, insisting on testing innovations in a secure holodeck rather than winging it the way they had to on Voyager. And she'd confided to Kathryn how proud she'd been of Tom when he'd decided he couldn't risk his life playing test-pilot all the time now that he had a family to think of.

Kathryn was also looking forward to seeing the Doctor and Tuvok later today. The EMH had become the chief medical officer on Jupiter Station, in part to watch over his creator's fragile health. He was also continuing his crusade for holographic rights.

Her old friend had recovered from his neurological disorder, but had decided to stay on Vulcan and resign from Starfleet. Like many of the crew, he didn't want to leave his family again---it was only logical. He had taken a post training diplomatic staff for Vulcan embassies, and offering analyses of people and situations using his insight into other species.

Kathryn had an inkling Chakotay might also be doing the latter for Starfleet, unofficially. She'd recognized the style of a few reports with other admirals' names on them, the kind that were actually crafted anonymously by someone else.

She wondered if he'd been forbidden to discuss his work outside the classroom with her.

Chakotay. She almost sighed at thoughts of him. He'd been better the last few weeks, smiling at more than just Miral's antics. Kathryn had never needed to offer him a shoulder to cry on, but she had lent him a sympathetic ear a few times as he'd talked through his feelings about the breakup.

Those occasions had been rare, and, she thought, unplanned on his part. Most of the time they talked of other things.

They'd been spending a good deal of time together, visiting museums and restaurants, or just relaxing at his cottage or her apartment. She introduced him to her mother and sister, and she met his sister and cousin. And of course they visited with a lot of their old crewmates.

And as Chakotay came alive again, Kathryn found old feelings for him reawakening as well. But not exactly.

Chakotay wasn't the stoic, stalwart first officer anymore. Then again, she wasn't the anxious, sometimes angry captain either.

As Chakotay came to terms with losing Seven, his early brooding silences gradually gave way to animated discussion. The topics ranged without limit, and the free-form associations twisted and jumped conversational tracks to keep her on her toes. She found herself looking forward to their time together, far more than any of the dates with eligible bachelors she continued to go on.

Kathryn had also been glad to see his pain begin to dissipate. She enjoyed watching his dark eyes twinkle with mischief as he teased B'Elanna, or sparkle with mirth as he tried not to laugh at the latest "Voyager Vittles" Chell had whipped up at his Chicago bistro.

Kathryn found herself admiring his physique when he wore jeans to work in the garden, or when a trip to the beach called for shorts and a form-fitting tee. Or the way he looked in the sober new uniforms, not as bold as Voyager's version, but still suiting his coloring.

But mostly Kathryn basked in the way Chakotay had always had of focusing intently on whoever was speaking to him. Of making them feel like they were the only person in the universe.

She began to wish to see something else in his gaze, an expression that she most closely associated with New Earth. And a tale that spoke of devotion and friendship, and---just possibly---love.

But those were idle fantasies she tried not to indulge. Sometimes it was simply wiser to let the past stay buried.

For though she'd never admit it aloud, some part of her wasn't really sure she could handle the thought of being compared to Seven. After all, Chakotay must have done that at some point before actually dating the younger woman, and obviously found Seven more desirable company.

Kathryn's thoughts were interrupted as the screen in front of her flared to life.

"Hello, Kathryn." Seven was looking better than she had the last time Kathryn contacted her---the circles were gone from under her eyes.

"Seven, it's good to see you." Kathryn examined her correspondent more closely. "You're looking well."

"Yes, my situation has been improving." Seven smiled softly. "Not quickly, but steadily, I have come to adapt."

"But are you thriving?" Kathryn asked.

"I believe so." Seven leaned forward slightly. "Have you been reading our reports?"

"Yes, it sounds like you have your hands full." The Copernicus had been meandering in its path to the edges of the Delta Quadrant, following up on sensor readings that had translated to some fascinating spatial anomalies. Kathryn was also glad to read how impressed Seven's new captain was with his astrometrics chief. It sounded like they'd already managed to build a solid working relationship.

The two women chatted for a few minutes about Seven's work and the mission. When Kathryn realized their session was almost over she said, "I'm glad I could talk with you today. I wanted to let you know you'll be missed at the gatherings."

Seven's expression softened. "I too wish I could be there to see everyone." 

She glanced down at her hands as a faint blush rose in her cheeks. "I do have plans to mark the occasion."

"Oh?" Kathryn's curiosity leapt to the fore. "How will you be celebrating?"

"It's not a celebration, per se. Roger---that is, Commander Stewart, the chief engineer---has been asking if I would relate some experiences from Voyager. I thought tonight would be an appropriate occasion." Seven looked a bit uncomfortable as she rushed through the end of the sentence.

Kathryn suddenly realized Seven wasn't entirely confident of Kathryn's reaction. "That sounds most appropriate." 

She frowned as a sudden thought crossed her mind. "Did you want me to not mention it to Chakotay?"

"No, that is, he already knows." Seven raised an eyebrow at Kathryn's surprised expression. "He and I spoke during the last contact via the Array."

"I didn't know." Kathryn also wondered why Chakotay failed to mention the meeting. Then again, he and Kathryn hadn't really had a chance to do more than wave in passing since she'd gotten swept up in anniversary plans.

"It was...awkward at first." Seven looked away a moment, then back. "But in a way it confirmed for me that I made the right decision."

Kathryn wanted to ask if Chakotay had reached the same conclusion.

"Kathryn." Seven's voice brought Kathryn back from her speculation. "There is something you should know. Before Chakotay and I...became intimate, he told me about his former loves. Both you and B'Elanna were on that list, as two people he'd have been happy to spend the rest of his life with, if the universe had been different."

Her eyes held Kathryn's. "Now it is."

The screen went blank. Kathryn stayed for a while, staring at her reflection in the darkened surface.

Thinking about the past, the present...and the future.

************************************************************  
************************************************************

Kathryn smoothed her skirt over her hips before walking into the ballroom. She would have felt much more comfortable in trousers, but she didn't think the admiralty would have appreciated her wearing a tuxedo to the gala.

Her thoughts were still whirling over Seven's revelation, which seemed to be tacit approval if Kathryn wanted to pursue a relationship with Chakotay. So she wasn't sure whether to be grateful or annoyed that both Chakotay and Tom had managed to avoid getting caught alone with her since they'd returned from their mysterious jaunt.

Something was up, she just knew it. Tom seemed to be practically dancing in place he was so excited, while Chakotay had that indrawn look that meant he was contemplating his options.

She probably wouldn't get one word out of them at this media circus, but there was a smaller room with a private garden that the crew and family were planning to retire to after the main event. There'd be no escaping her then.

Kathryn's shoulders straightened as she patted her hair one last time, flung open the doors and strode into the sea of colleagues, friends, and photographers.

************************************************************

A silent groan accompanied Kathryn's surreptitious slipping off of her shoes. She'd forgotten how uncomfortable high heels were, since she'd finally switched to lower-set boots when she made admiral.

At the time she'd been grateful that no one---particularly an amused and *tall* former first officer of hers---had pointed out the irony that she was finally wearing sensible shoes when she no longer needed to be running after or away from hostile aliens every few weeks.

She leaned back in her chair with a sigh, admiring the softly lit garden. Her former crew and their loved ones were arrayed in small clumps, catching up, reminiscing...renewing the bonds that had gotten them through seven long years alone.

The ones who were absent---to off-world assignments, or faraway homes, or worst, permanently lost to death---were remembered, and missed, and mourned by those they had left behind.

It was a bittersweet event, this private celebration, as it should be.

"It's hard to believe it's been eight years," Chakotay said softly as he sat down next to her. "It seems like just yesterday I was keeping B'Elanna from kicking your ass."

Kathryn gave him a sidelong glance. "And just what makes you so sure I would have been on the receiving end? I'll have you know a pissed-off half-Klingon Maquis is no match for a stressed-out Starfleet captain."

Chakotay chuckled. "Especially a caffeine-deprived one?"

"Damn straight." Kathryn kept watching him from the corner of her eye, determined not to turn and ogle Chakotay full on. He cut a dashing figure in his traditional tux. She'd noticed quite a few appreciative glances being shot his way at the official party. She'd been hard-pressed to remind herself that she shouldn't whip out her patented death-glare---after all, she and Chakotay were just friends.

And she wasn't yet certain she should try to alter the status quo.

She took advantage of Tom and B'Elanna's arrival to shift her chair. She picked up the drink they'd brought her and took a sip before setting it aside. She leaned her elbows on the table, propping her chin in her folded hands. Set her command glare on Tom and Chakotay. "All right, out with it: What have you two been up to?"

Sets of blond and black eyebrows rose. Tom glanced at Chakotay, who shrugged and waved his hand as if to say "Go ahead".

Tom leaned back with a Cheshire-cat grin. "Well, let's just say we picked the wrong people to finish 'Insurrection Alpha'."

"*What*?" B'Elanna's eyes narrowed. "You two spent the last few days writing *holoprograms*?"

"No." Tom shook his head. "I've just been living in them. B'El, these things are *incredible*. You can play any character in the scenario, and it's not just different based on the choices you make each time. The plotlines for *each character* are unique. Each program is a whole self-contained universe, and you get to try out dozens of unique lifestyles."

Tom's hands swept the air. "You could buy one program and spend a year exploring it. This is *way* beyond Captain Proton, or even Fair Haven, or anything else I've ever seen." 

His expression suddenly turned sly, "And Chakotay is about to become the most famous holoprogrammer in the quadrant."

"No, I'm not," Chakotay countered. "The authorship is going to remain confidential." 

Kathryn could see he was uncomfortable with Tom's praise as he continued, "I don't want people to see me as the Doc's competition. I deliberately tried to make the programs as different from his as possible."

"And why was Tom the only one you showed them to?" B'Elanna's question interested Kathryn as well. She felt a little hurt that Chakotay had kept his project a secret from his two dearest friends.

One of Chakotay's hands crept up to loosen his bow tie and collar. He cleared his throat, looked away, then muttered, "Because Tom's an easier audience."

"Excuse me?" Kathryn sank back in her chair, stunned. B'Elanna's expression was the same.

"You know what I mean, Kathryn." Chakotay's hands spread. "Tom just likes to play. He doesn't mind if he gets punched, drenched, dumped, or anything else as long as he can stay in the game. You and B'Elanna, well, let's just say that these are rough drafts and Tom is better at roughing it."

He shrugged. "Besides, he *is* one of the best holoprogrammers I know, and I wanted an honest assessment of the coding."

"They're really that good?" B'Elanna didn't look quite convinced. "No offense old man, but a storyteller and a holoprogrammer are two very different things."

"Not really," Kathryn commented. She glanced at Chakotay, "A holoprogrammer is just an author who crafts his universes in photons rather than words."

"Exactly." Tom nodded. "Honestly I thought the one set on a space cruiser could be used by Academy cadets. It covered covert ops, equipment failure, first contacts, a mutiny...all within a very different framework from the Federation. The aliens even have their own languages and forms of writing---I stole an alien shuttle, but when I had to guess at their navigation controls I ended up engaging the lasers and blew a hole in my own ship."

They all chuckled over that. Then Kathryn reached out to hesitantly touch Chakotay's hand, a bit anxious about the answer to her question. "But what made you decide to take up a new career?"

"It's not so much a career change as insurance," Chakotay admitted. "I, uh, wanted to be financially secure."

"You're going to be more than secure, you're going to be swimming in latinum, trust me on this," Tom said.

A mischievous grin lit his features. "And I know the perfect investment for all that filthy lucre. A little design firm headed by the *nicest* couple you'll ever meet..."

Chakotay ignored the bait. Kathryn tensed as he glanced at her uncertainly before admitting, "I'm thinking of writing a book on the DMZ, and I'm pretty sure the admiralty is not going to like what I have to say."

Kathryn gasped. She was fairly sure Chakotay's impression was correct, but... "You don't really think they'd take disciplinary action, do you?"

"I don't know, but I figure better safe than sorry." He sighed. "I'll be putting in a formal request for interviews and access to Starfleet memoranda and other materials. I guess I'll find out then what the fallout will be."

"Well, you're always welcome to join our firm---" The twinkle in B'Elanna's eyes betrayed her attempt to lighten the mood. "Just not as a pilot. We can't afford to keep replacing our ships."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind," Chakotay snorted as the others laughed.

Kathryn let the conversation continue around her as she considered Chakotay's plans. She didn't doubt Tom's assessments of his former superior's work. Chakotay had the eye for detail so necessary in an XO, and his narrative talents were well-documented.

Did it matter to her if Chakotay left Starfleet? Or worse, that he probably wouldn't mince words when pointing out the Federation's missteps in dealing with the Cardassians, and later the Dominion? After all, she'd served Starfleet all of her adult life.

Yet, she couldn't deny that mistakes were made on all sides, and the Federation had more than their share. And despite Chakotay's Maquis convictions, Kathryn knew he'd be as objective as possible in telling the tale of the DMZ.

Of course, in her heart of hearts Kathryn knew she really didn't give a damn what Chakotay did with his life, as long as he spent that life with her.

That realization first came as a shock to Kathryn, but somehow it simply settled into her consciousness with a sense of rightness that couldn't be denied.

Funny how some things sneak up on you even when you half-expect them.

A puff of hot breath next to her ear was the only warning she was being hailed. "Earth to Admiral Janeway, come in Janeway."

Kathryn leaned back, flustered by Chakotay's nearness. "Sorry, I was a million miles away." 

Not really, but she was still formulating a plan of action involving the man sitting next to her, searching her face with worried brown eyes.

"We lost you for a while there." He indicated the empty chairs. "Tom and B'Elanna decided to test out the dance floor."

Making one of the split-second decisions that had made her famous in two quadrants, Kathryn jumped to her feet. "Sounds like a good idea."

"Do you want your shoes?" Chakotay asked. She almost laughed at his dubious expression as he considered her bare feet.

"No, thank you," she replied, grabbing his hand and tugging. "I trust you."

"At least I know the Doc's still here," he muttered as he very carefully maneuvered into position.

***************

Kathryn let herself drift with the music, easily following his lead, touched that he was carefully sliding into his steps so as not to accidentally crush her vulnerable toes. She also was fighting the urge to sink further into his embrace. "I talked to Seven today."

"Oh?" The reply was equally off-hand.

Kathryn couldn't tell if it was an act, or genuine lack of particular interest. 

Chakotay's carefully neutral next question didn't provide any clues. "And did you wish her a happy anniversary?"

"Not in so many words," she admitted, leaning back slightly to watch Chakotay's face. "But I did tell her she would be missed."

His smile was wistful. "That's true enough. It doesn't seem quite right without having her and Harry and the rest here."

They danced a few minutes in silence, then Chakotay said, "Seven told me she was thinking of having dinner with the Copernicus's chief engineer...Stewart, I think."

"Yes, she mentioned it to me, too." Kathryn studied his eyes, looking for a return of shadows. "How do you feel about that?"

"OK...I think." Chakotay's shoulders moved in a slight shrug. "It's not like I have any say in the matter...but it didn't bother me as much as I expected. I told her to move forward, without regrets. And I actually meant it."

He chuckled. "But don't tell B'Elanna that. She's been champing at the bit to play matchmaker. She's trying to fix me up with one of her staff. Maybe more than one---I keep ducking out before I hear their names."

Kathryn's pulse sped up, but she kept her voice steady as trepidation and anticipation raced through her veins. "And are you ready to start dating again?"

"Not quite---but soon." Chakotay smiled down at her. "I may be starting a new chapter in my life, so a new love seems appropriate."

"Chakotay, when you *are* ready, give me a call." There, she said it. And she managed to keep her eyes up and blush down. Quite an accomplishment when your heart's trying to beat its way out of your chest.

"What, you have somebody you want me to date as well?" Chakotay's tilted head and puzzled expression told Kathryn that he really had no inkling of the changes her feelings had undergone.

"Yes..." She took a fortifying breath. "Me."

The blank surprise might have been laughable if Kathryn weren't so terrified. 

"You," was all he said as he stopped on the edge of the dance floor.

"Yes," Kathryn repeated, worry rising. "Surely it's not *that* much of a shock." 

She tried a grin. "You're quite the catch, Captain Chakotay."

The smile faltered as he simply kept staring at her. Finally he let her go, turned and walked down one of the garden paths.

Kathryn took a step after him, but then winced at the sight of the stones lining the walkway. She hurried over to the table, slipped on her shoes, and followed.

***************

He hadn't gone far, but she'd almost passed him when he said softly, "Over here."

His voice led her off the path, around a hedge. Someone had created a hidden bower. 

Chakotay was standing at the edge of the grass, gazing at a night-blooming flower, its scent heavy in the air.

Kathryn stepped up to his side, laying a hand on one of his crossed arms. She could feel his tension. "Talk to me, Chakotay."

"I don't know if I can do this again," he said, the words staccato-sharp. 

Then he sighed and seemed to will himself to relax. "I've always tried to look forward, Kathryn, to accept what I can't change and move on without regrets. Our time passed long ago. This feels like a step back to me."

Chakotay turned, and in the faint light Kathryn could see his confusion. "I don't understand. After all these years, why now?"

"Because the universe has changed, Chakotay." Kathryn rested her other hand beside the first, lightly grasping his forearms. "We're not moving backward because this isn't New Earth, and we've both traveled a long hard road since those days. I'm not the same person, and neither are you. But I would like to know better the man you've become, and have you come to know me."

Her grip tightened---in frustration or desperation, she refused to consider. "I'm not trying to rekindle something that was lost years ago. I want a relationship with you in the present, right here, right now."

He moved away, then whirled to face her. "And what about the future? I'm not Mark, Kathryn. I won't be content to be your shore-leave boyfriend and dog-sitter when you're off gallivanting about the universe. The Voyager scientific assessment won't last forever. What are you planning to do?"

"I don't know," Kathryn admitted. "Whatever's needed, I suppose. But I can tell you that seven years in the Delta satisfied my wanderlust."

Chakotay snorted. "For now."

"Yes! For now." Kathryn decided to go on the offensive. "Maybe you're right, next year I could get bored with seeing the same stars every evening, or there could be a ship and mission that are so incredible I won't want to resist."

She approached him slowly, hoping he couldn't see the tears in her eyes. She could sense she was losing him, and didn't understand why. "But that doesn't mean I would just up and leave, Chakotay. You know me better than that."

Kathryn had reached him now, and once more laid a hand on his arm. "You know me better than that," she repeated.

She then lifted her head to hold his gaze. "So what are you really afraid of?" She swallowed as she watched his expression soften, and felt his hand rest upon her own.

"I don't know whether I'm cursed or blessed to always be attracted to strong women," Chakotay mused. 

He seemed to be looking into the past. "Sveta, Seska, you, Riley, Valerie, Seven...even B'Elanna in a way, and probably Kellin. But I have to wonder, if things never work out because I need more from a relationship than they do."

Chakotay admitted, "I'm not sure I want to take the risk again. I've always been at a disadvantage with you, Kathryn. On Voyager's bridge because you had a higher rank..." 

He paused. "And personally because I've always believed that any feelings you had for me were a luxury, not a necessity. That you would never love me as much as I loved you because you didn't have anything to lose."

The words hung in the air, then faded.

Kathryn didn't know what to say. She couldn't deny that from Chakotay's point of view, she'd easily set him aside over the years as a potential lover, as a friend, and even as a colleague.

But he didn't know what it had cost her. Just as she could never know the price he paid for staying by her side, supporting her even when she rejected him on every level.

Keeping a promise he'd made once upon a time on a planet far, far away.

"Chakotay, I'm not sure what to tell you." She looked away a moment, trying to gather her thoughts. "You're right, on Voyager everything took a backseat to getting us home. Including my personal life."

Her voice saddened as she recalled how lonely she'd felt sometimes in those seven long years. "And I guess it did seem I didn't need you, or anyone, really. But not because I was strong enough to stand alone." 

She looked up at him. "But because I was so afraid not to."

Kathryn wanted to break their stare, take back her confession, but Chakotay's soft gaze silently encouraged her to continue. "Sometimes it felt as though I had no one in the universe to talk to, who could understand just what it was like to be captain of a ship so far from home."

She smiled slightly in gratitude when Chakotay didn't offer a protest. He seemed to understand that whether or not what she said was actually true, she had *felt* it was. That was all that mattered. "And there were times I got so tired...I just wanted to curl up and hide, or fly away somewhere I didn't have to see day after day the faces of the people who depended on me...and the ghosts of those I had failed."

She straightened her shoulders. "But that is the past. Chakotay, I grieved when I lost your love." 

Her voice firmed with her conviction. "And if you're willing to take the risk, I'll do my best not to take you for granted again."

Kathryn could feel her heart beating the seconds, marking the minutes as they simply stared at each other. Her throat closed with the thought that he might just walk away. She knew she'd get over this---Chakotay was right, she *was* a strong woman---but honestly, she didn't want to try.

Because she had an inkling that she was wrong about life on Voyager. That maybe, here and now, she was going to discover all that she could be.

Kathryn felt the tension leave her completely when Chakotay finally smiled and leaned down to nuzzle her cheek with his. 

"So," he asked teasingly, "you're sure you want to take on a probably-soon-to-be-ex-Starfleet officer? It could be a while before the funds start coming in from the holoprograms, and I have expensive tastes."

Her heart lifted at his playful tone. He trusted her enough to know that she'd already considered the career ramifications of their relationship. "If you're to be a kept man, Chakotay, I want to be the one who keeps you."

"Then I'm willing to try, Kathryn." When he lifted his head she drew a breath in anticipation of their first kiss, but instead he dropped a light peck on her forehead, and then lifted her hands to brush his lips lightly across the knuckles. "But we take it *slow*."

Kathryn gave a frustrated snort that was half laughter, as Chakotay grabbed her hand to lead her back to the party. He was going to tease her unmercifully, she just knew it.

Of course, he probably hadn't accounted for the fact that she was more than ready for his games. But the sharp swat on a very fine tuxedo-clad behind probably put him in the loop.

His grin back at her promised revenge.

She couldn't wait.

************************************************************  
************************************************************

Kathryn sighed in relief as she stepped through the door to Chakotay's cottage, the bad mood brought on by having her lunch meeting dragging into a dinner meeting sliding from her like a cloak.

The last six months had been an adventure. She and Chakotay *had* gone slowly, officially dating for four months, one week, six days and twenty hours before they actually made love.

Not to say the journey wasn't completely enjoyable. She'd never had so much fun getting to first base...and second...and third. Or even just spending time together.

In one sense they'd continued much as they had before, taking trips to visit places of interest or old crewmates, meeting for meals before or after work, just relaxing on one or the other's couches.

But there was a new closeness, an intimacy that was expressed in soft touches and speaking looks. Kathryn often took Chakotay with her when she visited her mother in Indiana. They would then make the hop to Ohio to see his sister and cousin.

They'd had a few arguments. Some about the past---there were lingering hard feelings on both sides that it actually felt good to resolve. But mostly they had sniped at each other during Chakotay's dust-up with Starfleet. The admiral in charge of PR had taken one look at Chakotay's book proposal and issued an ultimatum: Scrap the idea or consider his career over. So he walked, confident that the holoprograms would provide a steady enough income to cover him until the book's publication.

Of course, once the news of Chakotay's departure hit the Academy---and those admirals who'd been availing themselves of a little tactical briefing on the side---the proverbial shit hit the fan. Three days after his dismissal Chakotay was getting calls about "forgetting that little misunderstanding".

Chakotay had had a tense few days, debating whether to cut his losses or go back. Kathryn had tried to offer support without too much pushing---she knew he loved teaching, and she didn't want to see him lose out because of his stubborn streak.

Eventually he'd offered to return on his own terms, and Starfleet accepted them.

Otherwise, Kathryn and Chakotay were just dealing with the usual bumps of a developing relationship: likes, dislikes, quirks, pet peeves, where to go, what to do, when to spend time apart, and so on.

And Kathryn walked around with a smile on her face and joy in her heart. And the man she loved often on her mind.

She continued to muse over her good fortune as she dropped her bag on the armchair by the door. She bent over, bracing one hand on the back, to unfasten and slip off her boots.

As she straightened she suddenly felt a hand sliding through her hair, loosening it from the bun she'd taken to wearing once more. She smiled as she glanced over her shoulder. "You really hate that thing, don't you?"

"It seems worse than before," Chakotay agreed as he continued smoothing the strands. "Now it makes you look...matronly."

She turned and placed her hands on her hips. One eyebrow rose and she tried to glare at him while struggling not to laugh. "*Matronly*?"

"Mmmhmm," he said absently as tucked a dangling strand of hair behind her ear. "Nothing like the sexy lady I know lives under the uniform."

Kathryn's incipient grin turned into a tender smile. She'd been hesitant the first time they'd been naked, painfully aware she was not quite so...perfect or perky...as she'd been in her youth.

And that Chakotay's last relationship had been with someone at least a decade younger than herself.

But she never saw anything except love and desire in his eyes.

"I love you." Kathryn wrapped her arms around Chakotay's neck, stretching into a kiss. Her senses swam as they always did, Chakotay's scent and warmth surrounding her as much as his embrace. She shivered as his lips traveled oh so slowly across hers, to return with a wily tongue that outlined her mouth, seeking entrance.

She yielded with a moan, felt his tongue tangle with hers, his arms tighten around her. Her fingers slid into his hair, holding him close.

It was so easy to lose track of time, to spend minutes just kissing, caressing, sharing breath, renewing their connection.

Chakotay's sigh brushed cool against her tingling lips as they parted. She opened her eyes to the sight of him smiling down at her. "Hello there." 

"Hello yourself," she murmured as she smiled back, one hand lifting to touch his cheek, thumb brushing a dimple.

His fingers tightened slightly on her shoulders, gauging their tension. "Still dealing with the fallout from the Romulans?"

"Yes." She grimaced. "I'm having a hard time accepting that we're just going to leave the entire Reman people as slaves in those horrible mines."

"So the restored leadership isn't interested in anything the Federation has to say?" Chakotay asked as they walked to the couch.

Kathryn settled down into the cushions, half-leaning on her lover, his arm secure around her shoulders. Calming herself to the rise and fall of his breath. "They just gave us the equivalent of 'Mind your own business' and cut off communications entirely."

"It never seems to change, does it?" After a pause Chakotay confessed, "Sometimes I hate the Prime Directive. You see so many people who need help, and your hands are tied because they're just over some invisible line." 

He sighed. "And you can only hope that the principle is worth their suffering."

Kathryn nodded in silent agreement, her forehead brushing the side of his neck. "It's days like this that make me think about retirement."

Chakotay tightened his arm around her. "I know you haven't been happy, Kathryn."

She looked up, startled, but said nothing.

Dark eyes held her own. "It's been clear to me for a while that you're just going through the motions at work. Your heart hasn't been in it since Voyager was put out to pasture."

"Don't you mean put in dry dock to begin transformation into a museum?" Kathryn asked sharply, but it was merely a diversionary tactic.

"Whatever. The point is, you're unhappy." He studied her face, and she could sense his worry. "Do you want to go back into space?"

So he was concerned that her need to explore might have reasserted itself, as he'd predicted months ago, at Voyager's anniversary.

For just a moment Kathryn was tempted to say yes, to test his devotion and see if he would follow her once more. To have some verifiable, quantifiable means of proving *she* was the love of Chakotay's life.

Not because she was uncertain of her place in his heart, but because some part of her wanted to know he would make that sacrifice for her happiness.

But it wasn't worth the hint of uncertainty she could see in his eyes, the suspicion that maybe there was a ship or mission that she couldn't resist and she didn't really need him after all.

So she simply told the truth. "No, right here, with you, is where I want to be."

"I'll take your word on that," he murmured, his eyes clearing. 

She smiled happily to herself as she snuggled back into him. That trust---especially after he'd had so many disappointments in his life---was one of his most precious gifts to her.

Kathryn felt him drop a kiss on the top of her head. "And I have a suggestion about Starfleet," he mentioned idly.

"Oh?" Her eyes narrowed as she sat up again. He had that crafty look on his face that he'd only acquired since he started spending more time with Tom. "And just what have you been plotting?"

"Nothing," he protested. His wide-eyed innocence wasn't convincing, but it was darn appealing. 

She restrained herself from kissing him again until she knew what he was up to. "Out with it."

"You know I'm going to cut down on my classes next semester to do more work on the book." He waited for her nod, then continued, "I thought you might pick up the DQ lecture and first-contact seminars."

"And why would I want to do that?" Kathryn asked dryly, knowing the catch was coming but not sure what form it would take.

"Well, it just so happens that Nikei Ristal is going to start considering candidates to replace him as chief of Starfleet's research division. If you wanted to, you could probably spend some of your free time on campus poking into the labs...decide if you'd like to throw your hat into the ring," Chakotay said with a nonchalant air.

"Without being distracted by another long-distance situation I can do absolutely nothing about," Kathryn said as she nodded slowly. She was already superficially acquainted with a lot of the projects Ristal was overseeing---she'd been keeping up with all of the science reports coming through the admiralty.

"I'll definitely have to consider it, despite the fact that you're really just trying to manipulate me into taking over your workload." A sudden thought tilted her head. "Just how do you know Ristal's thinking of retiring? There hasn't been a peep on the office grapevine."

"Trade secret," Chakotay said with an enigmatic look that soon turned smoldering. "So what do you say to an early night?"

She wrapped her arms around his neck once more, leaning in to nip at his lower lip. "I have a feeling I'll like all your ideas this evening. Tell me more."

"I'd rather show you." With that, he swept her up in his arms and carried her off to their bedroom.

***************

Kathryn sucked and licked at Chakotay's neck, feeling his groan reverberate against her until he swung her to her feet.

They just stared at each other a moment in the soft light of the lamps.

Then Kathryn reached up as Chakotay leaned down and they were kissing again, all heat and spice. Her nipples sprang achingly erect as her sex softened and warmed, her juices beginning to flow in anticipation.

Kathryn shuddered, her skin tightening even more as Chakotay's hands moved to rest against her throat. Fingertips teased her nape, while the palms stroked the sides of her neck. Slight calluses---a hint of roughness in contrast to the gentle touch---made her moan, her exhalation captured by his mouth.

He caught her lower lip between his teeth. A delicate bite made her arch into him for more. His tongue slipped back inside, teasing hers. When his retreated hers followed, and she shivered again as he sucked on the welcome invader into his domain.

They were both panting when she pulled away to kiss and nip along his jaw and down his neck. She lapped at the hint of sweat pooled in the hollow, savoring the salt taste.

She felt his fingers gliding along her torso, unfastening her uniform jacket. She reluctantly stepped back to let the sleeves slide down her arms. His hands covered her chest, palms pressing and rubbing her nipples through the remaining layers. She gasped and closed her hands around his shoulders.

But the heat she could sense underneath the thin cloth of his shirt soon beckoned her. Her fingers curled as she ran them down the center of his chest, opening buttons as she went. The cloth parted and her hands slid inside to rediscover the smooth tawny expanse she often used as a pillow.

Kathryn lifted her head to watch Chakotay's face as she explored, her nails running lightly over his ribs, thumbs reaching to flick at his nipples. His mouth was slightly open, quick breaths hitching when she teased sensitive skin. His eyes were dilated almost black, searing as they stared into hers.

She slid her hands higher to measure the breadth of his shoulders, pushing the shirt away to bare Chakotay to the waist. She was acutely aware of his strength, male, primal. He was hard, dense muscle and bone, but his skin was soft under her fingers and he too shivered under her touch.

Then his own hands were caressing up her sides, pulling off the Starfleet turtleneck. She lifted her arms, glad to be free of its confines. She almost chuckled at the touch of mischief in his grin as he used the return journey to slide the straps of her bra down her arms. Somehow he also managed to undo the clasp without her noticing, so by the time her arms were back down at her sides she was as bare as him.

The sight of his hands---long and broad and golden-brown---against her pale flesh made her gasp and clutch at his wrists. He leaned in to kiss her once more and Kathryn opened to him. His fingers stroking her breasts and plucking at her nipples while his mouth feasted on hers sent her senses spiraling into a haze of desire. Her own hands slid up to grip his biceps, holding on.

As Chakotay lifted his lips from hers she opened her eyes. He continued to fondle her as she felt his mouth blaze a trail against her skin, along her cheek, behind her ear and slowly, so slowly, down her throat.

Her hands slid along his shoulders and up his neck to tangle in his hair. The soft strands slid through her fingers, one thumb tenderly stroking across his tattoo.

Kathryn felt his hands move to span her waist as his mouth finally reached her right breast. He delicately licked at the underside, barely brushing the engorged tip. She groaned as her fingers tightened in his hair as she tried to move him where she wanted him to be.

He ignored the message. Instead, he surprised her by pulling back, much to her dismay. But then he swiftly undid her trousers, pushing them and her underwear to the floor.

She wasn't quite sure how he did it, but he managed to get all of her clothes off---including her socks---before she even blinked. Next thing she knew she being turned and pressed into the bed.

Kathryn stared up at Chakotay's face as he leaned over her a moment, his elbows braced on either side of her. She opened her legs to cradle his hips, the cloth of his trousers a delicious friction against her inner thighs and wet sex.

The predatory look in his eyes made her moan softly. The next sound was much louder as he dipped his head to suckle at her breast. Her skin was bathed in hot breath, surrounded by lips and teeth and tongue that caressed and nipped and pulled and lapped until all of her focus was on that single point of sharp pleasure.

Then she gasped at the sudden shock of air against her abandoned breast as he slid over to treat its twin with the same loving attention.

Kathryn barely realized she was running her hands over his skin, offering what pleasure she could until her brain could remember how to function. She seemed a creature of instinct, a wanton who spread her legs wider and arched up into him, seeking more contact with her mate.

She was acutely aware of him moving slowly down her body, hands exploring her curves, mouth laving her flesh. He nipped her low on her navel, just above her mound, startling a soft gasp from her lips.

He lifted his head, and the gleam in his eyes told her she was in trouble of the most wickedly delightful kind.

It was the most natural thing in the world to succumb wholly to passion, to simply entrust herself to his care.

Kathryn couldn't help shivering and arching once more as she felt his nose brush against her curls, nuzzling her, taking his time. His hands grasped her hips, and she trembled as his thumbs stroked the sensitive creases at the tops of her thighs.

She could feel the moisture inside increasing, gathering, and she made a low noise in her throat that didn't sound quite human.

His answering growl vibrated against her nether lips. She gasped, and at that instant felt his tongue press against her inner walls.

She was dizzy, all the blood rushing down to the juncture of her thighs. She moaned continuously, sparks leaping along nerves teased and tantalized by Chakotay's mouth. He sucked and lapped, swallowing her juices as her body kept providing more.

Her body began to writhe in his grip, as she tried to urge him higher. Her clit was almost painfully aroused, pulsing, ready for the touch that would send her over the edge.

But Chakotay wasn't finished. He gently but firmly held her down and open as he continued to explore her depths, until her hands were twisted in the sheets, her body shaking, tension winding her tighter and tighter until...

She screamed. Short and sharp as his lips suddenly sucking and pulling on her clit sent her rocketing into ecstasy. She was barely aware of her hips bucking into his mouth, her thighs clamping, her body arching off the bed.

All she knew was the white-hot blankness of completion.

She fell back against the mattress, breath heaving, covered in sweat. And opened her eyes to a sight that made her groan. Chakotay was standing beside the bed watching her as he slipped off the rest of his clothes.

Chakotay was magnificent, her lover, her beloved. He was trim and taut, muscled but gracefully so. His body was smooth and strong, broad shoulders and chest angling into a trim waist and hips, powerful legs, only a hint of the curve of one very fine ass available to view.

He was fully erect, dusky cock a length and thickness that always made her mouth water with thoughts of the bittersweet-salt taste of his cum. Fine dark hairs were sprinkled just around his cock and balls, the rest of his body a sleek bronze.

Sweat gleamed against his skin, highlighting the flow of muscle even when he was standing still.

Kathryn bet she didn't look quite so...unrumpled. She was sure her makeup was smudged and her hair a hopeless tangle, her limbs sprawled in careless disarray.

And yet, she didn't move to fix her hair or hide her body. Because Chakotay was staring at her, chest heaving, his cock dripping with evidence of his arousal.

He wanted her. Lust and love and possession and need all tangled up in his heated gaze.

And she wanted him. They had the deep feelings, the tenderness, the love. But right here, right now, she wanted the pure animal passion. To claim and be claimed in the age-old dance of mating.

So she spread her thighs and tipped up her hips, showing Chakotay what she wanted. What was his to take.

She shuddered---his eyes on her were as arousing as a touch, sparking her desire once more, moisture once again flooding her achingly empty sheath.

She lifted her arms to him and groaned his name.

And in an instant he was there, filling her. His tongue ravishing her mouth while his hot hard length plunged into her to the hilt. She gave a short cry of welcome and lifted her legs, wrapping them high around his back, wanting him as deep as possible.

They were moving together in a rhythm pounded out in the sounds of their slapping flesh. Her nails dug into his shoulders, and she felt one of his hands tugging on her hair to bend her head back.

Grunts sounded in her ear and puffed against her skin as Chakotay's mouth slid open and hot against her skin. His other arm wrapped around her back, lifting her to him. He was surrounding her, consuming her, and when his lips returned to hers she matched his passion, thrusting her tongue into his mouth each time he speared her flesh, her nails raking down his back.

Sweat beaded and dripped down their bodies, the patterns constantly shifting with the slide and press of hands.

It was too much, too hot to last. Kathryn hunched upward just as Chakotay shifted his angle. His pelvis pounded into hers, slamming against her mound.

Her orgasm shocked through her, robbing her of breath. Through the roar of blood in her ears she heard him shout her name, through the shuddering of her body she felt his cock against her spasming walls, felt the heat of his seed flood her.

She was sated. And complete.

************************************************************

The water caressed the tops of her breasts as Kathryn sighed and settled deeper into Chakotay's embrace, her back to his chest, his legs on either side of hers. This was the second bathtub he'd built for her, but this time it was indoors, connected to their bedroom.

Still, the ceiling was transparent (at least from inside), so she could stare at the stars while she bathed. It was ironic: When she was a child, lying on her back in an Indiana field, she would stare at these same stars and desperately want to be among them.

But decades later, she knew that she belonged exactly where she was. There were other challenges in her life now, other types of exploration, and other joys.

Funny how things change. If a time-traveler told that young Kathryn Janeway that someday she'd be staring up at Earth's stars, utterly content, she'd have laughed in their face.

But the woman she'd become, who'd traveled such a hard and long road to find home again, saw things very differently. The universe had indeed changed.

Or maybe, just the way she looked at it.

Kathryn smiled and slid her hands over Chakotay's encircling arms. She knew in her heart of hearts she had made the right choice. "I love this view."

She felt a kiss on her temple. "I love you," Chakotay replied. "How about you marry me and move in here so we can share this view all the time?"

Kathryn turned in the bath, careful not to slosh water over the rim. "Are you sure, Chakotay?" 

She wanted to promise that she wouldn't want to leave Earth again, or that they'd always be together, or that she wouldn't forget her earlier vow not to take him for granted.

But she knew better. So did he. Life just didn't come with guarantees.

"I'm sure." Chakotay smiled and reached out to cradle her cheek in his palm. "Whatever the future holds, Kathryn, I want to move forward with you...with no regrets."

"Then I'm willing." She leaned in and ghosted her lips across his, then gave him a wicked grin. "But this time, we go *fast*."

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are welcomed with great joy and constructive criticism is treasured as a rare gift.


End file.
